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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long trailer, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We'll employ an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".
There are then doubts expressed about the childs healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon".
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
The Chicken Gun
The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
 

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Man walks into a diner and says excuse me, waiter, will the pancakes be long? The waiter replies no sir, they will be round! :p
 

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OK, one I learned on pirate's day.

What's the pirates favorite alphabet letter.

You might think its "arrrr," but the pirate's first love is the "C"
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
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In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
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In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
A soldier stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, the Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, The one soldier remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with the one remaining soldier, and then just raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
An Obituary printed in the London Times.

February 7, 2014

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
 

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A teacher at a collage science class is holding two worms over two containers. One containers has water the other alcohol. He drops one of the worms in the water and the worm just swims around the container. He removes that worm and drops the other worm in the container of alcohol. The worm shrivels up and fall to the bottom of the container. The teacher ask the class, what does tells you about drinking alcohol?

A student in the back of the class shouts out " If you drink alcohol you will never have worms!!!"
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
A teacher at a collage science class is holding two worms over two containers. One containers has water the other alcohol. He drops one of the worms in the water and the worm just swims around the container. He removes that worm and drops the other worm in the container of alcohol. The worm shrivels up and fall to the bottom of the container. The teacher ask the class, what does tells you about drinking alcohol?

A student in the back of the class shouts out " If you drink alcohol you will never have worms!!!"
Ha! LOL!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
When it was clear that Frank was dying, Ben visited him every day.

One day Ben said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school.

Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there.

Frank looked up at Ben from his deathbed and said, "Ben, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Ben was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Ben, Ben ."

"Who is it," asked Ben, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Ben -- it's me, Frank"

"You're not Frank . Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank, Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Ben.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. " And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

"That's fantastic," said Ben "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday"
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
 

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A father was in his recliner reading a book when his 6 year son came in. The boy walked over to the recliner and leaning on the arm of the chair he ask; Dad where did I come from? At first his Dad was shocked by the question then replied he guessed it was time. For the next 30 minutes Dad tried to explain the fax's of life to his son. When he was done he could see the boy was confused. He ask the boy what he was thinking. Wide eyed, the boy said "Wow Dad, My friend Billy is only from Dallas Texas."
 

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10 reasons you might be a *******.

You might be a ******* if:

1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting the wife drunk.

2) You ever cut your grass and found your car.

3) You own a mobile home and 5 cars that aren't

4)The wife says " honey come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

5) You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

6) You can't marry your sweetheart cause there's a law against it.

7) You go to a family reunion to pick up chicks.

8) Your truck has a two tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.

9) Your hair rollers are soup cans.

10) And finally, You KNOW your a ******* if your dad walks you to school -- cause your in the same grade!!

Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for these pearls of wisdom.
 
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