[CV3]

A teacher at a collage science class is holding two worms over two containers. One containers has water the other alcohol. He drops one of the worms in the water and the worm just swims around the container. He removes that worm and drops the other worm in the container of alcohol. The worm shrivels up and fall to the bottom of the container. The teacher ask the class, what does tells you about drinking alcohol?

A student in the back of the class shouts out " If you drink alcohol you will never have worms!!!"

 

[CV3]

A father was in his recliner reading a book when his 6 year son came in. The boy walked over to the recliner and leaning on the arm of the chair he ask; Dad where did I come from? At first his Dad was shocked by the question then replied he guessed it was time. For the next 30 minutes Dad tried to explain the fax's of life to his son. When he was done he could see the boy was confused. He ask the boy what he was thinking. Wide eyed, the boy said "Wow Dad, My friend Billy is only from Dallas Texas."

 

[CV3]

Will Roger:

The only person that can really understand a woman is another woman and as a rule they don't like each other.

 

[CV3]

It was 2am when Fred stumbled out of the bar and climb into his truck. As he pulled out of the drive on to the street the lights on a police car began to flash behind him. Fred pulled over, bouncing along the curb, and came to rest below a streetlight.

Fred was shaking his head knowing he was in trouble. he looked in the rearview mirror and saw it was a State Trooper getting out of the car. Fred slammed his truck in gear and sped off. The Trooper jumped back in his car and with lights and sirens all going strong he took of after Fred.

Fred was weaving in and out of traffic. He raced though parking lots. He went down one way streets the wrong way and dove across yards. The chase went on for 20 miles before the Trooper could get in front of Fred and force him to stop.

The Trooper dragged Fred from the cab of his truck and though him up against hood. As he was doing this he was screaming " what and the hell is wrong with you? Why did you run like that"?

Fred said: Well Officer its like this, Two days ago my wife of 10 years ran off with a State Trooper and I was afraid it was you trying to bring her back!!!!

 

[CV3]

Everyone have a great day. Hot. 91 and humidity is back.

 

[CV3]

Sorry wrong thread. I tried to edit but the site would not let me.

 

[CV3]

A bartender opened the bar and was cleaning glasses when the front door opened and a man in a suite stumbles in. As the man get to the bar he orders a drink. The bartender tells the man he can not serve him, that he had already had to much to drink. The then angry drunk tells the bartender off and stumbles back out the front door. A few moments later the drunk stumbles though the side door and orders a drink. The bartender tells the man, I told you I well not serve you. You have had to much to drink! Now leave the bar. The drunk flips off the bartender and stumbles back out the side door. In just a few minutes the bartend hears a noise behind him. This time the drunk comes in the back door. Now fed up the bartender yells GET OUT! I will not serve you. The drunk looks at the bartender and ask;

Is there a bar in this town you don't work in?????

 

[CV3]

A child asked his mother, "How were people born?" His Mom said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his dad and asked him the same question and he told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his Mom and told her what his dad had said. His Mom replied, "Oh, your dad was talking about his side of the family."

 

[CV3]

LOL Rad,

Ben was sitting on the couch. Head between his hands. His roommate Bill ask, whats wrong Ben? Ben look up and in a sad voice said he was going to loose his girl friend. Bill ask why? Ben exsplaines that she told him that he would have to buy her somrthing that went from 0 to175 in less that 9 seconds if he wanted to keep her. Bill said if you love her buy it. Ben sat up and exclaimed "there was no way he could buy her a car like that"!!! Bill said car? Who said car? Get her a scale !!!!

 

[CV3]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your left there is a sharp drop off, and on your right is an elephant traveling at the same speed you are Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to over take it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as your horse. What most you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk self of the merry-go-round!!

 

[CV3]

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

 

[CV3]

LOL Rad! TOO TRUE!!

 

[CV3]

Why is Christmas day like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

[CV3]

Alcohol does not make you FAT!
It makes you LEAN…
against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.

 

[CV3]

It was a day in court. A police officer is being questioned by the defense attorney.
Q.
Did you see my client take that box?
A.
No sir. A fellow officer who did see the act put out a description on the radio.
Q.
And do you trust this officer?
A
Yes sir, with my life.
Q
You say you trust your fellow officers but isn't true you have locks on your locker in the squad room?
A
Yes sir.
Q
If you trust each other why do you have to put locks on you lockers? Can you explain that to the court?
A
Yes sir. You see the police locker room is part of the Court House and Attorneys often pass though there going to court!