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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his wife:

Husband:- I lost my wife. She went shopping & hasn't come back.
Officer:- What is her height ?
Husband:- Not sure.
Officer:- Her build ?
Husband:- Not slim.
Officer:- Colour of eyes ?
Husband:- Never noticed.
Officer:- Colour of hair ?
Husband:- It changes according to season.
Officer:- What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure if it was a dress or a suit.
Officer:- Was she driving?
Husband:- Yes.
Officer:- Tell me the number, make & colour of the car.....
Husband:- Black Audi A8, rego S856-RTY with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has tinted electric windows and central locking. It has full LED headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a thin scratch on the front left door
....then the husband started crying.

Officer:- Don't worry sir. We will find your car.
 

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George Carlin:

"I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk "Where can I find the self-help section?" She relied, "If I told you, that would sort defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 

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Really funny stuff!

I'm kinda stumped, so I'm knot able to think of any good ones just yet, but have really enjoyed reading through what yew guys have here.

Now I know why a dogwood be man's BEST friend. LOL!
xanimal_sleepingdog.gif
 

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Discussion Starter · #49 ·
Why Senior Citizen's Still Need Newspapers -- an elderly friend conveyed the following:

I was visiting my daughter last night and when I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper.
"For Goodness sake Dad, this is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this. That bloody fly never knew what hit him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
GETTING INTO HEAVEN….
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia"
 

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Discussion Starter · #52 ·
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically ), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
 

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Discussion Starter · #56 ·
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother?

"Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
 

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Discussion Starter · #58 ·
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?".
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
 
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